How To Kill Your Own Spiders
I have done the unthinkable…I killed my own spider.
Now, to back up a bit, I hate spiders. HATE. For the first
four years of my adulthood I have always lived with a roommate, and whenever
there was a spider in the apartment-it didn’t matter where it was or how close
I was to a shoe, I always had the roommate kill it for me. One roommate even
took a picture of me on the couch, hiding under my comforter in one room while
he was standing on a chair killing the huge and horrible spider that was
dangling from our ceiling in the other room. Pathetic, right?
Fast forward to about a week and a half ago, when I found
out that my current roommate would be moving back home and that I would be
faced with living alone. A series of questions flooded me; first-who would kill
my spiders?! And truthfully, how would I feel coming home night after night to
an empty apartment? The idea of being alone with my self, having to deal with
my thoughts and my life all the time scared me. I have spent a lot of time
avoiding this scenario, and now that I would be forced to live alone with my
self, whatever would I do? Who would distract me?
In the past, I had the misfortune along the way of dealing
with people who took advantage of my self-respect, and the repercussion was
that I came into my adult life putting more effort into showing other people
how much self-respect I had, instead of showing myself. As a result, I found
myself dreading spending a significant amount of time alone, as I didn’t want
to face that. I feared having the time, too much time to get lost in my own
thoughts and to have to deal with the lack of security I had in my own self and
my own self-respect. However, the fact is that at the end of the day, you’re
only responsible for yourself (my mother taught me that.) There were life
lessons that I needed to learn, and whether I liked it or not-I was going to
have to face them eventually.
No matter how old I am, I need to learn how to deal with me,
and how to like and be comfortable with having that relationship with my self
and to make it a priority. As a person, I’ve talked a lot about confidence and
self care to other people, but I had realized that I was being a hypocrite. I
wasn’t applying it to my own life to the best of my ability. I hadn’t been
giving the necessary attention to the one relationship I have that will never
go away (no matter how hard I try.) So what about that incessant need to prove
myself to everyone else? I realized that the only person I ever needed to prove
it to was the one person that needed it the most-me. I recognized that that
quiet connection within myself would speak far greater volumes than any words I
could ever say. And, that power and that confidence comes solely from the
security that I have within myself. So, what better place to start that journey
than in having my own place?
In the end, I came to the conclusion that living alone would
be the best way to begin this growth and work within myself, and that I was
more than ready for it. So, one of my goals in this new chapter of my life has
been to finally kill my own spider. Low and behold, after a long chat with my
mom about my newfound inner connection-I happened upon a spider in my room.
Now, mind you, it wasn’t a small spider, but you know what I did? I squealed a
bit…then grabbed my shoe and whacked the shit out of the thing! And you know
what I call that? Killing your own spiders.
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