Laugh Longer, Love Better.

I posed a question to an assortment of people:  my good friends who hold nothing back; acquaintances; the checker at Target who rang up my nail file and the cute pants that were on sale; my husband; my daughter's smitten boyfriend; and a waiter named Amir. The question? Why do couples stay together? God knows there are thousands of opinions on why people break up but I'm intrigued by what binds couples together. Why do they beat the odds when their marriages are shattered by infidelity or mucked up by messy finances that overshadow love  and affection? I'm curious to know why some couples can reignite after months or years of shuffling through cold ashes.

Laughter.
The common thread that stitched together every response was laughter. Even the young checker at Target, who had hair with streaks the color of Peeps, smiled and laughed when she said "men are the devil" but I'm willing to bet, by the time she becomes a blue haired old lady, she'll understand that it's that laughter that can keep a relationship alive.

After shouting and door slamming or agonizing silence and a cold shoulder instead of a warm embrace, laughter can prevail. A little too much insight into my own marriage? Maybe, but I'll let the sentence stand as is because I'm pretty sure most romantic partnerships go through the same thing.  My friend Natalie quotes her own mother when she says "Divorce? No. Murder? Maybe..."  Laughter's good and a morbid sense of humor is underrated.

How do we get to the laughing part? For me, there's something in my brain that eventually kicks in and overwhelms the anger or the complacency or the annoyance. It's like a switch that turns on light and positivity. I've learned to anticipate it and it's never let me down. It doesn't always happen right away but I've found that the lag time is needed to help me sort through the issues and look to my heart for forgiveness or understanding. My friend Stephanie says her husband better worry when, after a disagreement, she passes him in the hallway and she doesn't smile at him. She says she just can't help but smile when she sees him. That must be her own little switch clicking on and signalling that it's all going to be okay. That, and true love.

Make time for each other.
Connie says make time for just the two of you whether it be a walk by a creek or a romantic vacation. I agree. My husband and I decided, before we had children, to put our marriage before everything else. I love my children but without loving my husband I wouldn't make a good parent. We've always parented together and tried to present a united front. That's not always easy because parenting throws some pretty serious curve balls. It also wreaks havoc on romance so we always made sure to use the rare times both children were away to do something together rather than alone. A day on a lake, spent with my husband and an ice cold pitcher of margaritas, is a wonderful problem solver.

Look for perfection.
My daughter's boyfriend says staying together is "simple, just date the perfect girl." There's more to that statement than the idealism of the young. It takes work, but as our relationships age, it's essential to continue to look for the perfect in our partner. It's there-it's just hidden beneath the stress of the work week and the big and little tragedies that we all experience year in and year out.

Keep the bathroom door closed.
Yes, I'm going there. Before we were married we made a pact to keep some things private. I don't care what we're doing in the bathroom-flossing, clipping our toenails or...whatever-keep the door closed. I don't think "familiarity breeds contempt"  was intended for this scenario but it isn't too out of place here. Romance loves a little mystery. That's my deep contribution to this conversation.

Little things shouldn't turn into big things.
One of my dear friends is Vickey and that's her advice. She's a Texan with a heart as big as the state itself and she's an expert at not letting the little things get under her skin. I'm still working on not letting the little pile of dirty socks turn into a Mount Everest of animosity because that anger seeps into other parts of the relationship and before you know it there's a fight and then I'm back to waiting for that positivity switch in my brain to click to the on position. I'm going to make a supreme effort to remember that this week.

Fight for your marriage.
Infidelity. I am always amazed that couples can survive it. For my friends who did they have all said that the years following were tortuous but that they eventually reached a place of deeper understanding and better communication. Admirable and I will be totally honest and say that I'm not sure I could find the forgiveness, and if I did, then I'm not sure I could ever forget and find a place in my heart where love would thrive. Those that have survived tell me that they were able to see where they had both made mistakes before the affair began. They say they survived because one partner ferociously fought a battle to save the marriage and through counseling, prayer, endless nights of talk or whatever they chose as weapons, they were able to slay their demons. They were blessed that their partner was the listening kind because so many are not.
 

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Just about everyone I heard from also said that they wished they had spent more time talking about parenting, household chores and finances before getting married. It seems to be universal to think that love will conquer all when, really, it's good planning that clears the clutter from a relationship and makes room for love to stay.

I love that my friend Melanie contributed her thoughts on what to look for before you get involved. She says that people reveal themselves to be exactly who they are early in the relationship but we do the whole "that's not really who they are thing." She continues by saying "yes, it is. It really, really is. Who people truly are is revealed by their actions." Perhaps I watch too much Dateline or 48 Hours but for every murderous spouse there must have been telltale clues. I'm thinking Melanie would make a great detective.

Robert Browning said "Grow old with me! The best is yet to be." I am forever grateful that I had the sense to stay the few times I wanted to flee. Laughter comes easier the older we get and even though there are times that we can't see the light we know to wait for it.